Ideas of the Past
Finding strength in healing
Trauma, yeah trauma, you need to find somewhere to go and just leave me alone. I am tired of dealing with you daily and this CPTSD is driving me insane. From the sleepless nights, the wandering thoughts, to the mental breakdowns. I am so tired of fighting this fight. The mental beat down is so hard, so difficult. I know I am strong, I know I will get through this, but I am tired, I am so tired of being strong. I'm so over the crying and feeling like I will never heal. I want to just wave the white flag and give in.
Yes I am a survivor! But why is the pain from the past so hurtful and why can't I seem to heal from it. Why does it hurt so so much? Why is it never ending? Every day I feel like I just can't seem to function and stay awake a full day without something hurting. My brain hurts, I am emotionally a mess from surviving something that has killed so many ......
Wait, is this survivor's guilt? I don't know, maybe it is. I need to talk to my therapist about this and find out if this is the reason why I am feeling like this. I know I survived this for a reason and I won't question it nor do I know the reason why. I just know I am here. Living.
You would think by now that after almost 2 years post covid that I wouldn't continue to have these breakdowns and cry about it, yet I do. I am so very thankful to be alive and tell about my survival. It makes me feel good to talk about it, yet it pains me to no end. It seems the pain won't ease up for me and it gradually just get worse with time. Pain and grief have no time limit.
I wish I could figure out why the past hurts me so much. Maybe it's the sense of fear, maybe it's the same exact sense of fear that's scaring me about the unknown and what ifs. I am trying to wrack my brain trying to make this easy and figure it out, I just can't seem to be able to do it. Not in my thoughts, not in my writing and not even in my brain. Most of my fear comes from being afraid to sleep that I won't wake up. I only fear of dying in my sleep, how crazy is that?
I don't know what it is about covid that has my brain thinking things like this. I turned into a person that is afraid of her own shadow, afraid of a noise in my own home and afraid of the little things that never had an effect on me before. I need to know what is going on in my brain. I need to know what happened to me.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THE PAST BRINGS UP SO MUCH PAIN !!!! HELPPPP MEEEE!!!
I know I won't get the same Maria back that I was before covid struck, but none of us truly will be the person we were 6 months, or even a year ago. We are all forever finding our new selves and evolving each and every day. It hurts to want and yearn for that person I once was and that I will never be her any longer. I feel like so much of my life has just slipped away and I am living in limbo. Waiting for a bomb to drop on me.
Every time I discuss long haul symptoms I just feel like I am unable to make sense or process my emotions as they become some overwhelming at times. Sometimes I feel like my cognitive impairment will never heal, other times I know I have tools to help me through troubling times.
For now I need to focus on the step in front of me instead of the entire staircase. I need to focus on one task at a time, one client at a time and one doctor appointment at a time. I need to remain strong. I need to know that I don't always have to have a plan, sometimes I just need to breathe, trust the process and let it go. I got this, I need to move on and it's something I need to give to myself.
I matter, I matter first. I am a survivor and I will prevail and heal. In order to heal I must do so from within and if it means doing things that seem selfish to others but important to me, I won't apologize. It will be part of my healing.
I need to develop positives from all of my hardships. I cannot hide any experience that shaped me who I am today. However, I do need to take responsibility and realize that I cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but I can change myself. I need to embrace every situations as it comes and grow and learn from it. No matter how big, no matter how small.
I'll be replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts and I'll sit back and wait for the results I so desperately seek and desire.
I WILL love myself to heal and enjoy this magical ride called life.
With love
Maria
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